I am not in love

I don't know what's expected from me in the arena of relationships, but I can't seem to catch a break.

I always have something to prove, even when I don't.

I thought I'd be better off without him, cutting him off, completely cold turkey just no more...but something inside me says not to give up, not to let go. I have no problem giving up on those who have given up on me, but this time it's different and that kills me. I'm supposed to be FIERCE. Independent. Crazy/beautiful. Smart.

I think alienating this guy was the biggest mistake of my life. Yeah, I'm supposed to be 21 and invincible and over that kind of shit in like, HIGH school.

So much for MFEO.

I miss that stupid ache.

Fuck. I gotta mend bridges.

I can't remeber if I posted this already

It used to be my "about me" from myspace/facebook...

I'm over conforming to non-conformism.
So J. Crew isn't the AntiChrist (L'acoste is but that's neither here nor there). The point is, I am on my way somewhere, but everywhere en route to somewhere is nowhere. Antiwhere, if you will. This would be my time of reinvention. My vintage habits in exchange for trendier ones at twice the price (but still below MSRP).
Here's to being perpetually fashionably late.
And with that I pop my collar.
My slang will never change, just my shell. I'll still sing sad British/Canadian songs about jackets, bars, and breakups.
Can you tell I'm watching you, analyzing every nervous shift you make beacuse you're not used to how your sweater fits? I can tell you have a crush on that girl's jeans and the year 1996.
Are you up to the challenge?

I'm far too sober to read this shit.

N-A-R You scored 77% Non-Reductionism, 55% Epistemological Absolutism, and 33% Moral Objectivism!

You are an N-A-R: a metaphysical Non-Reductionist, an epistemological Absolutist, and a moral Relativist. If you are simply dying inside to figure out what all this mumbo-jumbo means, then simply continue reading. Metaphysics: Non-Reductionism (Idealism or Realism) In metaphysics, my test measures your tendency towards Reductionism or Non-Reductionism. As a Non-Reductionist, you recognize that reality is not necessarily simple or unified, and you thus tend to produce a robust ontology instead of carelessly shaving away hypothetical entities that reflect our philosophical experiences. My test recognizes two types of Non-Reductionists: Idealists and Realists. 1. Idealists believe that reality is fundamentally unknowable. All we can ever know is the world of sense experience, thought, and other phenomena which are only distorted reflections of an ultimate (or noumenal) reality. Kant, one of the most significant philosophers in history, theorized that human beings perceive reality in such a way that they impose their own mental frameworks and categories upon reality, fully distorting it. Reality for Kant is unconceptualized and not subject to any of the categories our minds apply to it. Idealists are non-reductionists because they recognize that the distinction between phenomenal reality and ultimate reality cannot be so easily discarded or unified into a single reality. They are separate and distinct, and there is no reason to suppose the one mirrors the other. Major philosophical idealists include Kant and Fichte. If your views are different from the above, then you may be a Realist. 2. Realists deny the validity of sloppy metaphysical reductions, because they feel that there is no reason to suspect that reality reflects principles of parsimony or simplicity. Realism is the most common-sensical of the metaphysical views. It doesn't see reality as a unity or as reducible to matter or mind, nor does it see reality as divided into a phenomenal world of experience and an unknowable noumenal world of things-in-themselves. Realist metaphysics emphasizes that reality is for the most part composed of the things we observe and think. On the question of the existence of universals, for instance, a realist will assert that while universals do not physically exist, the relations they describe in particulars are as real as the particular things themselves, giving universals a type of reality. Thus, no reduction is made. On the mind-body problem, realists tend to believe that minds and bodies both exist, and the philosophical problems involved in reducing mind to matter or matter to mind are too great to warrant such a reduction. Finally, realists deny that reality is ultimately a Unity or Absolute, though they recognize that reality can be viewed as a Unity when we consider the real relations between the parts as constituting this unity--but it doesn't mean that the world isn't also made up of particular things. Aristotle and Popper are famous realists. ***** Epistemology: Absolutism (Rationalism or Pragmatism) My test measures one's tendency towards Absolutism or Skepticism in regards to epistemology. As an Absolutist, you believe that objective knowledge is possible given the right approach, and you deny the claims of skeptical philosophers who insist that we can never have knowledge of ultimate reality. The two types of Absolutists recognized by my test are Rationalists and Pragmatists. 1. Rationalists believe that the use of reason ultimately provides the best route to truth. A rationalist usually defines truth as a correspondence between propositions and reality, taking the common-sense route. Also, rationalists tend to believe that knowledge of reality is made possible through certain foundational beliefs. This stance is known as foundationalism. A foundationalist believes that, because we cannot justify the truth of every statement in an infinite regress, we ultimately reach a foundation of knowledge. This foundation is composed of a priori truths, like mathematics and logic, as well as undoubtable truths like one's belief in his or her own existence. The belief that experiences and memories are veridical is also part of the foundation. Thus, for a rationalist knowledge of reality is made possible through our foundational beliefs, which we do not need to justify because we find them to be undoubtable and self-evident. In regards to science, a rationalist will tend to emphasize the foundational assumptions of scientific inquiry as prior to and more important than scientific inquiry itself. If science does lead to truth, it is only because it is based upon the assumption of certain rational principles such as "Every event is caused" and "The future will resemble the past". Philosophy has a wide representation of philosophical rationalists--Descartes, Spinoza, Liebniz, and many others. If that didn't sound like your own views, then you are most likely the other type of Absolutist: the Pragmatist. Epistemological Pragmatists are fundamentally identified by their definition of truth. Truth is, on this view, merely a measure of a proposition's success in inquiry. This view is a strictly scientific notion of truth. A proposition can be called true if it leads to successful predictions or coheres best with the observed facts about the world. Thus, for the pragmatist, knowledge of reality is possible through scientific reasoning. A pragmatist emphasizes man's fallibility, and hence takes baby-steps towards knowledge through scientific methodology. Any truth claim for a pragmatist is open to revision and subject to change--if empirical observations lead us to call even logical rules into question (like quantum physics has done for the law of the excluded middle), then we can and should abandon even these supposed a priori and "absolutely certain" logical rules if they do not accord with our testing and refuting of our various propositions. As a consequence of this, a pragmatist doesn't feel that scientific knowledge is based upon unfounded assumptions that are taken to be true without any sort of justification--rather, they believe that the successes of scientific inquiry have proved that its assumptions are well-founded. For instance, the assumption of science that the future will be like the past is adequately shown by the amazing success of scientific theories in predicting future events--how else could this be possible unless the assumption were true? Pragmatism borrows elements from realism and yet attempts to account for the critiques made by skeptics and relativists. It is essentially a type of philosophical opportunism--it borrows the best stances from a large number of philosophical systems and attempts to discard the problems of these systems by combining them with others. Famous pragmatists of this type are Peirce and Dewey. ***** Ethics: Relativism (Subjectivism or Emotivism) My test measures one's tendency towards moral Objectivism or moral Relativism in regards to ethics. As a moral Relativist, you tend to see moral choices as describing a subject's reaction to a moral object or situation, and not as a property of the moral object itself. You may also feel that moral words are meaningless because they do not address any empirical fact about the world. My test recognizes two types of moral relativists--Subjectivists and Emotivists. 1. Subjectivists see individual or collective desires as defining a situation's or object's moral worth. Thus, the subject, not the object itself, determines the value. Subjectivists recognize that social rules, customs, and morality have been wide-ranging and quite varied throughout history among various cultures. As a result, Subjectivism doesn't attempt to issue hard and fast rules for judging the moral worth of things. Instead, it recognizes that what we consider "good" and "right" is not bound by any discernable rule. There is no one trait that makes an act good or right, because so many different kinds of things have been called good and right. In regards to the definition of "good" or "right", a Subjectivist will tend to define it as whatever a particular person or group of people desire. They do not define it merely as "happiness" or "pleasure", for instance, because sometimes we desire to do things that do not produce pleasure, and because we don't consider all pleasurable things good. Furthermore, Subjectivists recognize the validity of consequentialism in that sometimes we refer to consequences as good and bad--but they also recognize that our intentions behind an action, or the means to the end, can also determine an act's moral worth. Again, there is no one rule to determine these things. Hence the relativism of moral Subjectivism. The most well-known of the subjectivists is Nietzsche. If that didn't sound like your position, then you are probably the other variety of moral Relativist--the Emotivist. Emotivists are moral Relativists only in a very slanted sense, because they actually deny that words about morality have any meaning at all. An Emotivist would probably accept Hume's argument that it is impossible to derive an "ought" from an "is"--no factual state of affairs can logically entail any sort of moral action. Furthermore, a emotivist's emphasis on scientific (and hence empirical) verification and testing quickly leads to the conclusion that concepts such as "good" and "right" don't really describe any real qualities or relations. Science is never concerned with whether a particular state of affairs is moral or right or good--and an emotivist feels much the same way. Morality is thus neither objective or subjective for the emotivist--it is without any meaning at all, a sort of vague ontological fiction that is merely a symbol for our emotional responses to certain events. Famous emotivists include Ayer and other positivists associated with the Vienna Circle. ***** As you can see, when your philosophical position is narrowed down there are so many potential categories that an OKCupid test cannot account for them all. But, taken as very broad categories or philosophical styles, you are best characterized as an N-A-R. Your exact philosophical opposite would be an R-S-O.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

Darren Hayes yet again, sums it up: my life right now 100%

I got a cottage with a sea view
I got a regular summer tan
I’ve been working up the courage to call you all year, ohhh
There is nothing I can say
There are no good words left anyway
Besides people are cruel
And the world still moves without you, ohhh

Welcome to my Californian home
You don’t have to call me you can leave when you want
There’s a picture by my bed
There’s a light in your eyes
I don’t know
Well I don’t know
Why you still feel alone

And we were dying from the get go
I was dreaming but you never believed
I was trying to fit myself in the spaces between, ohhh
And you were kind and sometimes cruel
You said all the world’s love couldn’t satisfy you
And nothing could have hurt me as much as the truth
Ohhh darling

Welcome to my Californian home
You don’t have to call me you can leave when you want
There’s a picture by my bed
There’s a light in your eyes I don’t know
Tell me ‘cause I want to find out
Do you still feel alone?

Love is elusive when you search for it
Don’t I know
Happiness sometimes it just creeps in
Don’t I know
I’m going crazy
I’ve been wondering
Do you still feel alone?
I need to find
Some kind of peace of mind
I need to find
I got a cottage with a sea view
I got a regular summer tan
I know that I deserve more
But I still want you
Welcome to my Californian home
You don’t have to call me you can leave when you want
There’s a picture by my bed
There’s a light in your eyes
I don’t know
Tell me ‘cause I want to find out
Do you still feel?
Welcome to my California
(I need to find)
Even though I’m no good for you
(Some kind of peace of mind)
There’s a part of me still waiting for you
(I need to find)
Welcome to my happy ending
(I need to find)
Even though it’s fun contending
(Some kind of peace of mind)
I know I know you can’t look back, you can never go back
Welcome to my Californian home
You can never go back
Welcome to my Californian home I know
You can never go back
Welcome to my Californian home I know
You can never go back I know
I need to find, do you still feel?
Welcome to my Californian home
(I need to find)
Even though I’m no good for you
(Some kind of peace of mind)
Deep inside there’s a piece of me, there’s a piece of me
Still waiting for you to come home
Welcome to my Californian home
(I need to find)
I know you can never look back, you can never look back again
(Some kind of peace of mind)
But tell me ‘cause I want to find out
Do you still feel alone?
Oh nooo
Do you still feel alone?
Oh nooo

Self Medication

This weekend was bittersweetly bizzare.

I spent 2/3 of the weekend wasted, or at the very least, happy drunk. I also spent those nights kind of high. It was my first time. I don't know if they'll be my last, though. I like the way pot forgives me. I don't think, I just exist in the present and then fall asleep and I don't care who wanders in and out of my dreams because nobody ever does. The sleep is dreamless and therefore guiltless and loveless.

Saturday, yesterday, sweetest day, I got dumped. I haven't cried yet. I'm not going to let myself have that luxury. I think I made a mistake last night. Mistake #1: going for Alex in front of Jeff/Telling Jeff that I thought Alex was cute. Once I kissed him (Alex), Jeff just got more melancholy. But conversely, anything that would have happened between me and Jeff would have been because he was rebounding and I was rebounding and and those facts make the chemistry not 100% genuine.

This playlist is not helping my refusing to cry. "Cutest" by Shamra just came on and all the air just rushed out of my stomach and I'm getting those goosebumps that I get before I'm about to have a really bad freakout.

There's some wine in the buffet cupboard, and it sounds like a bad idea. The best bad idea.

I just don't want this to turn into Matt all over again. My grades bombed, I gained weight, didn't go to class, I stopped caring about anything. About everything. I don't want to slip back there, but I feel it starting. The Sickness is on its way.

Another part of me still says that he'll come to his senses and come back with me, that he knew he belonged with me and that he just got scared. He'll tell me that the familiar is infinitely less scary than uncharted territory.

no. no no no no no no no no no no no no.

I gotta get outta here. Chicago soon?

you never get too old to play with dollies.

The Last Good Record DMB Ever Made

I was thinking during my daily swim, the reason why so many of us get into actual fights with our close friends is because we want them to be perfect people, and when we see them be less than perfect, objectively, we think that they've failed us somehow. When you operate out of your group dynamic archetype, you set yourself up for isolation and most importantly a dynamic overhaul.

I wonder why I 've never kept a best friend for longer than a few years.

It's definitely just me.

I wrestled an idea, and closed it in a box

I'm losing my mind a little. Myspace has been down for the last day and a half and I feel very very lost without it.

hey everyone! there's been a power outage in our data center. we're in the process of fixing it right now, so sit tight. hopefully we'll be back online within the hour. its 6:40pm PST now. wanna place a bet? -Tom

With a power outage going on, who needs to be awake? Ihad a migraine last night so I think the best idea at this point (8:03 am EDT) is to go back to bed

which I will do.

I just felt like sharing.

Now Playing: "Fake Bijork Song" - Liam Lynch

She said most of these things because she was trying to convince herself

Some things come in the nick of time, just barely in time to save my life. Today, on the news, it was reported that a local 12 year old killed himself. The method: he hung himself with his favorite hoodie while his parents were downstairs making dinner. That in and of itself was not the reason that this information was deemed worthy to share with all of Southeast Michigan. The piece was only done because his parents were pushing for a bill in congress and selling t-shirts to promote awareness of teen/preteen depression. I get the feeling this boy's suicidal success was unintentional. He was trying to ask for help, but he asked in a way that....I'm having trouble formulating the correct word to describe what I'm getting at.

I've often thought about killing myself for the attention. The amount of attention I'd get is extremely lucrative, and my tale would be vaguely romantic whenever people told the story of their daughter/friend/cousin/neice/classmate that killed themselves.

I'm not sure that information would make it to the suicude note though.

But anyway...what stopped me today was the fact that it pretty much all that work, torment, anguish and angst was for this: http://www.wxyztv.com/wxyz/cn_call_for_action/article/0,2132,WXYZ_15905_4858550,00.html

Sandwiched between ads and pictures and links and everything else ever to distract you from the actual story.

Don't get me started on how short it actually is.

I did yoga today and all I wanted to do was smoke after.

Now Playing: "Shining Skinned Friend" - The Juan MacLean

Steady As She Goes

It's so dark ouside, its been raining all day. I cannot say that rain contributes to motivation.

But The Racontoeurs help a little with that. I mean, its June, and Death Cab seems a little out of season.

Going to Chicago on friday. Maybe a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I Really don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to find out if there's anything wrong with me. But I should go, I haven't had my period in three months. I'm chalking it up to stress. I haven't lost as much weight as I would have liked, and I think that's stress too. Funny how stress can act like pregnancy when it wants to. Other than that I feel fine. I know it's not pregnancy, but I still feel slightly paranoid. I'd make a trip to planned parenthood as soon as I heard. There's just NO WAY I can handle a needy human being that screams to get its point accross. I'm having enough trouble with my twenty year old friends who act like that. And as selfish as it sounds, I'm not ruining my body for something that I'm going to give away anyway. Don't even get me started on the system.

I've come to the conclusion that as fun as it is to want somebody, I really don't want anybody. I thought I wanted Rob but I'm so far in the friend zone, I can't even see the exit from that whole...situation. Kenny...I think if something were to happen with him, it would have happened by now.

Not to mention that Chicago is in two days and nobody's gotten their shit together so I can get my shit together. There's reservations to be made, tickets to be bought, clothes to pack, laundry to do...oi me.

Now playing: "Pardon Me" - String Quartet Tribute to Incubus