Recreational Paranoia

I'll look into actual communication with Tony once I reach letter five. I've written three in the last month, and with every line I write, I decide anything is better than staying in my head. I'm no longer hurting, but a part of me can't let go. A part of me refuses to believe that this is the way things are going to end between us. Isn't that the most disgusting cliche you've ever heard me spew? I DON'T SPEW CLICHES. The part that won't let go is small enough that I can forget that I feel this way for most of the day, but strong enough to make me think that he is potentially my soulmate. Clerks II didn't help either.

Maybe if I say it here, I can go back to being in denial about it: I love him. It scares me how much I need him, to think about him. But on the other hand, the more times I admit it, the more I indulge in the following process:

1. I admit to still having strong feelings for him, for all sakes and purposes, love him.
2. I then proceed to attempt to get the thought out of my head as fast as possible. Usually this involves convincing myself that I have herpes and/or may be infertile. This may or may not be true.
3. Repeat stage one.
4. Proceed to tell myself that the more I admit to what may or may not be my true feelings, the more my brain will believe it. (It's science: I'm not 100% sure on the spesifics, but the more you do something, the less likely you are to forget it...synapses firing and all that.)
5. Proceed to facilitate the forgetting/distracting process by reading and on occasion masturbating.
6. Sleep.

Usually this takes place in between crawling into bed and going to sleep. It takes about an hour, maybe two if I write, less if I'm too tired to pine.

I keep thinking that all it takes is for me to fess up to feeling something. But...what if it doesn't?