Things I am not saying out loud. (you're a slave to yourself and you don't even know)

watch out kids, this could get ugly. The less I see the sun, the more I retreat into myself.

1. I could like Matt again, even though he devastated me the first time we broke up. I generally don't like to repeat dating mistakes, but the more I talk to him, the more I miss him, dammit.
2. I feel like everyone is constantly looking down on me.
3. (Personal pronoun abuse aside,) I feel like with the variety of relationship opportunities that I have had, the only constant is me, which leads to the conclusion that the problem isn't with "them" it's with me.
3a. but what's the problem? Is my personality that terrible? Am I that overweight? Is my fashion sense that askew? Am I that shitty of a person? Am I that smart? Am I that dumb?
4. I was pissy at dinner last night and nobody noticed. We had constructed a plan earlier for me to get fake pissy at dinner, but as the night wore on, I became real pissy. So that one really is my fault, because out of the four other people I was eating with, two were in on it, and one caught on right away. But that doesn't count because a) she was eventually let in on the plan, and b) she's a girl.
4a. I am the type of person to say everything's fine, especially when it's not, and then get depressed when everybody assumes that everything's fine. Ridiculous, I know.
5. I am so jealous of Jill. Everybody loves her and falls all over themselves to be with her and be in her good graces. Everybody likes her so much better and I can't stand it. Well, let me clarify: I can stand it, it just depresses the hell out of me. And I think that is where some of what #2 comes from. Like people only put up with me because I am Jill's roommate.

I told you this was ugly.

This trail mix is disgusting, and now is a good a time as any to do my homework.