In Which The Chills Keep Coming

Oh, hello.

Let's kick things off with a list.

things I am upset about:

1. the lack of attention the shift key pays to me on the work computer
2. how cold it is in the office
3. how I did on the GRE
4. impending deadlines
5. this cold that I have
6. the meds I am taking for said cold throw in a built in fever reducer. I have have no fever. Put this together with #2, and you get an idea of what kind of icy misery I'm in.
7. the fact that one of my grad programs wants me to take ANOTHER test.
8. how dry my hands are due to the amount of hand washing and sanitizing I do
9. the fact that I am still in search of the perfect finishing touches for Matt's anniversary present.

Yeah, pretty sure stress was how I got sick in the first place. GRE studying, lack of good sleep, blatant encouragement from my organizational superiors to be more proactive with my job, trying to be the perfect girlfriend, trying to be a good friend...I think it all just kind of imploded on me. It left me here, freezing at work with all types of chemical reactions going off. DayQuil + multivitamin + vitamin C infused cough drops + birth control = unheard of focus issues.

I have no idea why my faith in anything is so shaky. One little disaster, and all of a sudden, I am full of self loathing. GRE scores are unofficially abysmal, and must I refer you to the month of weeping known as the aftermath of the fellowship incident? According to some rough figures I looked up, my verbal score was somewhere in the 80th, maybe 81st percentile, and math was in the i'mnotfuckingtellingyouthatemarassing percentile. I have never done so poorly on a standardized test ever. Everybody's really worried, which is nice. I think that the main reason that they worry is that they seem to think I'm really hard on myself, which I'm not. Look at me, look at my life, nothing about it says "I'm too hard on myself". Ok so maybe I am a little hard on myself, seeing as I consider scoring higher than 80% of test takers abysmal. But let's face it, for my personal ambitions, it is.

However, being sick is the best diet I could have asked for. I have to force myself to eat and water does just as well as food most of the time.

I think I worry about my relationship because I don't know how to not worry about it. I loathe my body because I don't know how to not loathe it. When I was 20 lbs thinner, I thought I was fat. when I was 20 lbs thinner than that, I still thought I was fat.

We'll see.
Work beckons, profound insights are....en route.