In Which I Probaly Watch Way Too Much Television For My Own Good

I kind of dug myself out of my shame spiral. I haven't cried once this week and even got off my ass and applied for a few jobs (somewhere between 5-8, which is quite a few, but the Americorps website makes it easy). So needless to say things are looking up. I'm keeping my expectations low, but my spirits high, and that's all anyone can ask for at this point.

I unexpectedly got to see Matt a lot last weekend. I wasn't planning on coming home, but my mom sensed I was low and I think she wanted to be nice to me. So I let her. But let's briefly talk about how my lady balls are huge.

Friday (the ballad of lady balls):
Get to the train station, only to discover that the train was 30-40 minutes late. Story of my life, no big thang. I decide to use this time to people watch and/or stare into oblivion. I notice this pretty girl sitting accross from me reading some sort of academic text. She's dusky-skinned, looks to be in her early twenties (22 at the most)and some sort of Asian. I have my headphones on just listening to my jams, anxiously minding my own. A man appraches her and speaks to her. He's tall, rocking the businessdude on vacation look, green button down long sleeve shirt and kakhi pants. He looks vaguely tanned as well. I can't hear what is said, only that he seems very friendly and innocuous enough. He's all up in her grill, and she's got the typical "um, whatever, okay, yeah" posture. I think my imagination got carried away, because I somehow established the pretense that they knew each other. I think nothing of it, and it's completely out of my mind when I board the train over an hour past our scheduled departure time.

The trip is fine. I read, I sleep, I read, I sleep, I stare into a different version of oblivion. But then we hit the Albion/Ann Arbor area. Some obnoxious fucktwat is having loud conversations on their phone, speaker setting engaged. The whole car can hear what he's saying. This is not pretty stuff. Some gems:

"Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby."

"I'm tryin' to spit game at these young girls, but they're not having it."

"Do you wanna fuck him, fuck me, or fuck us both? You wanna fuck us both?"

"When you pick me up, can we fuck in the cab?"

"I'm gonna go Dolomite on you!"

Shit like that. And that's just the stuff I can remember. Did I mention that this is a caucasian individual?

This is a caucasian individual.

So of course, its all I can do not to roll down the aisle in fits of laughter. At one point I look around and see if anyone else is as throughly amused as I am. I make eye contact with a girl that got on when I did, and we sit next to each other and just kind of go WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ONNNNNN? Apparently he was trying to hit on this girl, as well as the pretty Asian girl I saw at the station. Wait, so they don't know each other? Surpriiiiiiise! Apparently he has been awake for three days and stinks of liquor. Everything kind of returns to normal, but then he just starts yelling "WHERE ARE WE?" Someone answers him. Two seconds later, he yells the same question again. Obviously nobody wants to answer him, but finnaly he gets an answer: "Michigan". He laughs and proceeds to ask the question yet a third time, while yelling into his phone. At this point its not cute anymore (not that it ever really was). He's saying horrible things that make my inner raging Amazon feminist sharpen her tomahawk. At this point he's blocking the aisle, one arm or hand on each side of the hand grips. Keep all of this in mind.

An older man is trying to get past Drunky McSkeezeface. I guess he got a little too close, or Drunky touched him aggressively, but the older man tells the Assclown not to put his hands on him like that. So then this very, very, very, very quicky devolves into a shoving match. It looks like its about to get ugly fast. Someone alerts the conductors, while me and three beefy(ish) dudes try and break it up. Yes, your humble narrator got all up in a physical altercation. I am pulling at the old man and it took three other dudes to get them separated. The conductors do the kindergaten thing and put them at opposite ends of the car. This is not working. Fuckface von Assmonkey has now started yelling racial slurs at the older man. Mostly "sand nigger". So they have to put them in separate cars, all the while Drunky's yelling "he's the enemy! USA! USA! USA! Sand nigger" etc. He is told to sit down and be quiet. He does both, but only for seconds at a time. I finally tell him "dude, you're only making this harder for yourself." Again, this lasts all of several seconds before him and the conductor start yelling. He's still using slurs and the black lady conductor is not having that shit. So then his next argument is "What's Amtrak going to do, arrest me? Go ahead! Arrest me! Arrest me! Arrest me! Arest me!"

So they direct the passengers in the car to move to the next car over. His ass is getting arrested. I was told we were somewhere near Wayne. Fifteen minutes from my stop, we STOP THE DAMN TRAIN TO ARREST THIS FOOL. Not just escort him away, but some take witness statements and handcuffs arresting is going down.

I finally get into town, have dinner with Matt and his parents and nearly get caught in a tornado. Limbs everywhere, streetlights and stoplights blackened.

Further proof that wherever I go, disaster follows.

Saturday:
Grad party, Tory Story 3. I nearly cried at the latter. Fuck you too, Pixar.

Sunday:
returned with the Matts. Mad construction.

I guess that wasn't such a brief discussion of my cajones.

Aaaaaaand I still don't know what I'm doing this weekend. I think I'm going to pick Matt. Jill basically gave me her blessing, and when people do things that enable me to do what I want, I don't fight them.

I'll still send a congrats card.

Why is my bra still on?

Speaking of bras, my new guilty pleasure is The Real L Word. Please don't judge.