Cover shifts blow.

I am pro more money. Always. Well, 98.347% of the time.

But that being said, I have to shut my piehole.... nobody has been in here all day, and for that I am glad. If I had to cover somebody, I am glad it is today.

My anti-snot meds are wearing off, and I need to take more if I hope to make it out of this shift alive.

So for our anniversary, Matt got me this USB that looks like a mixtape, fully loaded with tasty jams. Being the god awful girlfriend that I am, I just got to listen to it today. What a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

I highly recommend:

"Can't Hardly Wait" - Justin Townes Earle

"write you a letter tomorrow
Tonight I can't hold a pen
Someone's got a stamp that I can borrow
I promise not to blow the address again..."

"Today" - Jennifer O'Connor

"An ocean of longing
I spit out the song and
I laugh with the tide that rolls in goes out
A bookshelf casts shadows
They dance out my window
The kids in the neighborhood scream and shout

Today, today
Today I stop guessing and give you my heart
Today, today
Today is a blessing
You're far and I'm missing you
I can't wait to be with you if only to say
Stay, stay

A puzzle of pieces
Mixed and unequal
I try to make sense of the shapes as they shift
I'm keeping a record
Desires that I can't afford
I hope to recieve each one as a gift

Today, today
Today I stop guessing and give you my heart
Today, today
Today is a blessing
You're far and I'm missing you
I can't wait to be with you if only to say
Stay, stay

Put your hand in mine
Just like you do all the time
In a room with the door closed
In a room when we're all alone

If there's a method to madness
And secrets bring sadness
I'll draw up a map we can leave today
Forget all the messes
We'll change our addresses
If there's one thing I know, it's how
To run away

Today
Today I stop guessing and give you my heart
Today, today
Today is a blessing
You're far and I'm missing you
I can't wait to be with you if only to say
Stay, stay
Stay, stay
Stay, stay
Stay, stay "

"Everybody Here Wants You" - Jeff Buckley

"I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away

Hmm, such a thing of wonder in this crowd
I'm a stranger in this town
You're free with me
And our eyes locked in downcast love
I sit here proud
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me

Oh, I'm only here for this moment..."

"This Must Be the Place" - Miles Fisher

"Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born

If someone asks, this is where I'll be . . . where I'll be..."

Shut it, I know you think i almost cried at work.

You were right.

my ass hurts. can I go now?

Reasons For Living

Updates from the Western Front.

Part one: In which I will try and be less an an angry, vulgar twat.

The eagle has landed. Which is to say, they found my car. The details are fuzzy as to where she was or what condition she's in, but the police recovered it and now I'm just waiting on the insurance company to bring it back. I'm trying really hard to be grateful, but depending on what other retarded shenanigans may or may not be involved, I may have to unleash a shitstorm of fury anyway. But the more I suffer the more God will return it to me, right?

part two: in which I will become less lazy

I like Fridays when I'm not needed.

part three: in which your humble narrator settles down.

I've had a boyfriend for a fucking YEAR.

part four: miscellaneous

I spelled miscellaneous right on the first try. But not the second.

bumming rides is for poor people. oh, wait....

waiting on the man. (friday dispatch)

wtf mates?

Ok, so I am out one car. Stolen. It's a dumb story, one that I'm not getting into.

File under: working with people is dumb.

Okay so there are two new girls at work. I am sure you have heard this story. New girl one went on the highly unnecessary organizing tangent. New girl two seems to generally be okay. Or so it would seem. New girl two works two jobs (maybe three). She works here with me and then she also subs and possibly tutors on he side. She signed up to do a presentation here, but then she also signed up to sub that day. She asked if I would cover her on the presentation. I told her no. Mostly because BOTH THOSE THINGS ARE OPTIONAL. I understand that in a multiple job situation, the highest paying job takes priority, but nobody said sign up for either of those things. My sympathy is sorely lacking.

Now I'm on a mission to find a comparable car for the insurance company. You try finding a 94 Saturn twin cam with ~85,000 miles on it. If you are successful, I'll make you a cookie and possibly buy you an hour with a hooker.

But on the upside, there are a lot of affordable to semi affordable Saturns out there.

and that's the news from the Kalamazoo River, where the women are strong, the men are heavily bearded, and the kids are slightly scarier than average.

I no longer pity the foo.

GAH. Look at me be mentally unstable.

I had to yell (yell = be visibly pissed and not be nice and smiley) at a student already. I've only been here an hour. Student comes in with a typed paper, fine. But then he's like "yeah I have no periods or commas." A single spaced page with two paragraphs AND NO PUNCTUATION. And he was not going to pull off the ee cummings type of pretension. Did I mention he comes in and he's like "I have 20 minutes before I need to get to class"? Did I also mention that I am on my period and my pretty new microdermal itches? Did I fail to mention that he asked if he could leave his paper here and could I double space it? Guess who has two thumbs and was absolutely NOT having it? Your humble narrator.

I told him he absolutely could not.

And on top of that, his paper was supposed to be "Love is Destiny"; instead he was operating on "Love is DENSITY". Calling destiny density throughout the paper is one thing, but he opens with definitions. AND HE DEFINED DENSITY. Like, did he think more than two seconds after he cut-pasted the definition? Did he notice that "the quality or state of being dense" sounds absolutely NOTHING like "something to which a person or thing is destined" or "a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency"?

You bet your sweet ass he didn't.

I'm already having a god-awful hair day, its dark and raining, and I am restbroken like you wouldn't believe.

Oh, and I can't find any of my beloved red pens? There was a better part of a box here a week ago. Blame that on the heifer that elected to unnecessarily reorganize everything. Also, the other new girl that was here, lent me three CDs. I brought them on last friday so I could give them to her during the following week, but she was either not here, or I forgot to tell her they were here. I go to check on them this morning, and I notice they're gone. Either stupid new girl moved them (which was/is un to the necessary) or other new girl was at the desk and picked them up. botch scenarios are equally plausible.

I might go smoke the 1/3 pack that's left from this week's pack.

Let's hope Pandora is less of a slut today. I've played my only CD twice already.

Things that may or may not hurt.

Get me out of here. Home is out of the question.

I started looking for jobs in Chicago again. I need to make some phone calls to Americorps. I have a few questions about their positions. I'm starting to get over KVCC. It might have something to do with new girls. I feel like I would prefer Stephanie at her most insufferable. Well, on some days at the very least. Today is definitely one of them. I can't tell if it would make me feel better or worse to construct a list of grievances.

I constantly miss Matt. No doubt. But I wonder how our relationship would change once I moved back out to Chicago. Knowing that my annoying habits will rapidly can and will lose their charm. But on the other hand, I would become significantly less fat. And everyone knows weight is inversely proportionate to how much bullshit people take from you. Actually, that's not true. That's more of a bell curve. Well, more of a wave. At a certain point, you get so fat that people are scared of how fat you are and that you might sit on them, so they will put up with whatever bullshit you deem appropriate.

I digress.

Back to the original subject. Moral of the story, we'll see.

I'll be coming into a little money at the end of the week,and the local parlors are starting to do microdermal anchors. New Addiction does them for 60. I feel that's reasonable. I think they would look great with my stars, but as knee-high sock season rears its frosty head, I can only see this ending poorly. Other considered locations: collarbone(s), nape of my neck(which would look brilliant with that Chicago flag tattoo I've been lusting after), right above my ample cleavage, or maybe even my wrist. I also am years overdue for a touchup on my stars, and everyone seems to recommend I should go easy on the body bling for now. Translation? New ink! The only problem with that is, I want something that is not going to look retarded with my constantly yo-yo-ing weight, but also is easily hidden should I go on a job interview and will not look like a poor life decision should I decide to go for the big white wedding.

The South side of Chicago is not as bad as everyone says.

As I ignore Boz Scaggs and George Michael duking it out in myhead. Must be Tuesday.

I have more or less killed a pack in a glorified weekend.

Pack purchased: last friday.

Pack finished: sometime before this friday

My fingers are stained pink from my latest hair experiment. We'll see how dry and angry it gets before I have to cut it all off anyway.

I am dressed like a crazy homeless lady today. I can't say that I really care.

Reading through some of my old writing, I realize that i am not as bad as I think i am. One professor dared to even call me "impressive".

So I think I need to write again. Except I have noting to write about.

I need to get out there and live.

I need to get out there and fail. Just face my fear and fucking fail all on my own. Even though I resent challenges in the moment, I am always grateful for them later. Chicago or bust?

I may or may not come out of October with yet another body modification. I'm sensing a trend.

December 2006: 1st (and as of now, only)tattoo
August 2007: Industrial piercing
October 2008: Traigus piercing

I'm running out of time on 2009.

Maybe I'll come out of the relationship closet at Thanksgiving. I don't know why that time seems so appealing for people to do so. It seems appealing for me because that will be just around the one year mark for me and Matt.

My mother deserves to know why I'm taking off to hang out with a boy on the most holy of food days. I don't even know what's happening as far as Thanksgiving goes this year.

I guess we'll see.

Story of my fucking life.

(514): in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview

I have one thing to say: you better WORK.

Ok that's a lie. I have more things to say than that.

Work is busy (thanks Obama!), and I can't wait until 3 pm friday. But for once the week is flying by, and very soon I will get to be with Matt. We can have alone time without secretly flipping the fuck out. That, and I haven't gotten any in a really long time. like at least a month.

The lab has become a landscape of mumblers. Mostly this woman I want to choke all the time. She is just so abrasive and makes me want to stress eat. She says she needs help, but really, she just lies someone there watching her. I knew I should have dumped her on the math lab, but noooooooooo, I felt like there was some sort of karmic debt to pay. That's my penance for the day, right?

Its cold. I should find socks.

tales of disaster and nicotine notes

I promised the story of what the fuck went on this weekend. If the Kenny thing was the icing on the weird week cake, this saturday was the topper.

Saturday morning starts out innocuous enough: wake up, pack, load, coffee, drive. Drive, drive, drive to Matt's parents' house. Upon my departure from the house I realize: I LEFT MY FUCKING DRESS IN KALAMAFUCKINGZOO. All other options are in Kalamazoo as well. shoes are in the car, tights are in my bag, dress is trapped in the motherfucking closet ( closet....)So I go get my hair done and then, with about 5 hours to go until the wedding, commence the arduous task of dress shopping. Target had one possibility but it wasn't, you know, IT. TJ Maxx, nada. Dress Barn, nada and a half. Touch base with Matt, who still needs to pick up a present, so I head back over to his parents house because he'll probably have to go to the mall too. The couple was registered at three places: Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, and Williams and Sonoma. Closest C&B is at fucking Somerset, which is pretty much the antithesis of where we need to be. We know for sure that PB and W&S are at Briarwood (the humungo Ann Arbor mall) so its decided that out best bet is to head there. While Matt gets the present, I proceed to hit approximately 347,956 stores in hopes of finding an outfit. No such luck. After much deliberation, I end up dropping 50 dollars on a top and skirt from The Limited. Less than an hour to go, we get our shit and leave. Upon exiting the parking lot, we notice that the world beyond the mall is a traffic jammy place. ITS FUCKING GAME DAY, and our route takes us right past ground zero, so there are cars everywhere. After much swearing, smoking, and a few wrong turns, we enter the wedding hall, sweaty, swearing, and speeding. I'm over the fact that I'm barefoot in a semi public restroom, and I am over handicap stall guilt. I needed the space. We make it with just minutes to spare.

Anyone who knows me knows what kind of stress I am capable of putting myself under in these situations.

But then we danced, we drank, we laughed, something wonderful happened, and then we left.

get your mind out of the gutter, I was still getting rid of 28 days worth of unused baby.

but let's just say I'm still the marrying kind.

thirty minutes away from drugs and real food.

1. On behalf of hearing some good news from a dear friend, SQUEE.

2. I just creeped Chuck Klosterman on facebook (because we're friends), and saw pictures from his wedding. I was full of mixed emotions that come out like a waldorf salad. Its mostly happy with a bit of cool, with just a touch of envy, for flavor. The bride's dress was cool, non traditional, very thirties, and it was white. I'm stopping here because I am creeping myself out, talking to the internet about the wedding of someone I've never met (only admired from a very long interwebbed distance). Weddings are the grandest. Even if 2009 was/is the year of the wedding.

I'll tell the story of the last wedding I went to next time.

The lights are going to go out on Broadway, that's the only explanation.

Just when I thought I had successfully exited the fucking outer limits (or twilight zone), last night puts the icing on the fucking weird cake.

After a highly uncharacteristic late night Wendy's run, I go to meet people at Roadhouse. I was already in a pissy mood due to things that happen when you're not pregnant, the fact that it seemed like I was invited purely by accident (probable), and from the time I got there, it seemed like nobody wanted me there (equally irrational and logical, but a conclusion that was arrived at nonetheless). So I get home at like 2 am, and I'm not tired at all. Maybe I was still hyped up from the night before. So I kind of lay in bed and just watch TV. Jill is in her bed as well and we thought we were both going to call it a night. But then the following vocal dialogue takes place:

Jill: Tell me why Kenny just messaged me
Me: Whaaaat? [runs in Jill's room. Lo and behold, he has sent a message that simply says "Love you"] Let me see what happens when I get on facebook.

a few minutes pass, and then via facebook chat, the following exchange occurs (with chunks eaten by facebook for who knows what reason):

Deleted by facebook, but he opens with "nope". Understandable confusion ensues. It's 3 am. But then...

Ken: I know you're in love with me...but you're in New Mexico now...or some shit...so it's just not in the cars

(I should preface this with the fact that I'm drunk...so don't take me that seriously)

but seriously...you should just accept certain undeniable consequences

3:10am me:okaaaayyyyyy

will do?

3:10am Ken: haha

sorry

I know it's still mid-afternoon where you are, so this probably seems awkward

3:11am me:I'm in kalamzoo

its 3 am and this is just the icing on the weirdest fucking cake

3:12am Ken: oh well...so it's your fault for being up at four thirty

weird cake, though, eh?

3:13am me: lol

yeah

btw where did new mexico come from?

3:14am Ken: I thought you were moving southwest

3:14am me: noooo

3:14am Ken: and figured it was McCain country, for some reason

3:15am me:I helped Theresa move to AZ...

lol

3:15am Ken: haha..thought you were moving there too

3:16am me: nooooope

lol

3:16am Ken: which means I can still convince you to move to Chi-town

!!!

3:16am me:lol

3:16am Ken: done and done

3:16am me: what happend to certian undeniable consequences?

[another brief chunk that facebook doesn't think should exist]

[I assume he apologizes again]

me:its cool

3:29am Ken:(I'll shut up now)

3:29am me: you're fine

shut up only if you want to

3:30am Ken: haha

I

er

I'll keep hitting on you if it's not that creepy

3:31am me: what girl minds getting hit on by the notorious Kenny W?

lol

3:31am Ken: haha

most of them

3:32am me: that's sad

mostly for them

3:32am Ken: :P

that's what I always say

3:32am me:lol

3:34am Ken: still feel like an ass for never...pursuing you

(come on #1)

3:34am me: there's no need to feel like an ass

3:34am Ken: that's what I do, though

3:35am me: feel like an ass for no apparent reason?

3:35am Ken: more or less

3:36am me: we all have our quirks...

3:37am Ken: I'm sorry I missed you last time you were in Chicago

chalk that up to (thankfully now ex) girlfriends

3:37am me:lol

crazy broads?

3:38am Ken: yup

bad mistakes all around

3:39am me: it happens

3:40am Ken: yup

well...I'm gonna go watch Californication

3:41am me: okay

have fun

3:42am Ken: and I promise that I'll hit on you on a later date

you're just too much woman for one poor drunk bastard at the moment

(figuratively...not literally...because that would be a really weird thing to say otherwise)

3:44am me: lol

3:44am Ken: although it's a weird thing already

shit

I'm just going to stop talking now

3:45am me:ok I should probably sleep now anyway

lol

3:46am Ken: hehe

alrighty

I'll hit on you later

er

talk to you later

or both...whatever comes first

3:46am me:lol

3:47am Ken: someday...

3:49am Ken:you will be mine...

3:57am Ken: heh...I'm gonna shut up now

goodnight

3:57am me:lol

you said that once before

lol

night

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Okay, so I know I would never leave Matt for Kenny (or at the very least 97% sure I wouldn't), but this is one of those unattainable one that got away kinds of things that bugs the fuck out of me. I never had a problem rejecting the other guys because there were no feelings to really speak of. It seems like once i settle down, this always happens. Like either he's seeing someone, or I am, and its just frustrating to play the what if game.

...not that I have any need to. I love Matt, and if he proposed somewhere down the line, I would undoubtedly say yes. But is it so wrong to kind of flip out over a longstanding college crush telling me everything I wanted to hear a year ago?

probably. I mean, its only been ten months since I started dating Matt (14 if you count the last time we dated), vs a fluctuating obsession of 4, 5ish years? That just makes me human right? And not to mention that whole conversation loses some of its weight when he chatted up at least two others in the same time frame (3-4 am).

I'm being weird and making far too much of it.

Sorry my brain vomited.

cramps. black eye (not mine). random people sleeping on my futon. It's like my unofficial welcome back party.

High five: I'm not preggo

fml: I'm fucking up at work already. (missed 2 class visits.)

Um, this is mostly so I don't forget what the fuck went on last night.

Around 8:15, my friend Stephanie calls me to hang out and get adult bevvys. She says she's buying. I have never had a problem with this. I drive to her place and we walk over to Harvey's. We're walking when she gets a call from her friend Brent. She invites him to join us. Brent brings Zack, who has been putting things in Stephanie, and has been slightly toolish. We let him off the hook for personal reasons. Its the four of us boozin, have a few laughs. Me and Brent are really hitting it off. Really hitting it off. Like if i were single and I played my cards a little differently, I could have totally gotten some. Zack and Stephanie take off, but Brent and I continue to bullshit into the night. He offers to walk me home, er, to my car, which I was going to ask him to do anyway. A block and a half to go, if that, we see people sitting on the porch. We talk to them and we are nice. They are nice. They share their beer with Brent. One neglected detail: Brent likes to talk shit. A lot. He thinks its funny when people are mad. I blame the fact that he is 5'5, 5'6 on a good day. The next thing I know, this kid who was passed out on the porch leaps up, and just starts roughing him up a little. No big thing I think he can hold his own, so I wait to see if he needs assistance. When Brent ends up on a car, I go over with one of the other girls to break it up. Its too late, the damage has been done. Brent is bleeding from the head. It looks a lot worse than it really is, but he's having issues remembering what happened five minutes ago. He's definitely not concussed, just drunk. We then proceed to go 1.5 blocks in 1.5 hours. It takes that long to make amends with the porch people, get Brent cleaned up and WALK A BLOCK AND A FUCKING HALF. People keep talking and I just want to go to bed. We get to my car, and I try to take him back to where he's staying (with Zack, I think). Epic fail. He can't remember and neither can I. I'm not interrupting Zack and Stephanie, regardless of what they may or may not be doing. Brent says that everybody's sleeping and he wouldn't be able to get in anyway, so i take his tiny ass home with me. Nothing happens, I just set him up on the futon with water and blankets. I proceed to write Jill a don't freak the fuck out about the boy that magically appeared in our living room note and try to go to bed. its 3:30, maybe 4 at this point. I have to be in to work by 9. At 8:30, I'm ready to go, so I get Brent up. I shepherd him to my car and drop him off at Academy and Westenege. That was my night.

I shit you not.

It's better if you hear me tell it, all Moth Podcast style.

And if this don't work, I'm doing to church....

It's freakout time again, but I'm totally going to blame this on the move and the crash diets.

I have thirty dollars to see me through Roadhouse tonight and whatever else Matt wants when he gets in on friday.

It looks like I won't get paid until saturday because I forgot to do my direct deposit form, and they mail the checks out. It's only a one week check, but I could stay stocked in smokes and tortilla chips and salsa. Fml, kinda.

I miss my cat.

I miss summer.

I miss my boyfriend, even though I see him in three days and I just saw him two weeks ago.

Less than an official week in town, and I'm already bored. The new people at work are cool but weird, and I am not sure if a semester without strangulation can happen.

I still don't work with Clara. Thank God for even the smallest of blessings, I suppose.

Living the dream.
Living the dream!
Living the dream?

Seems to be the theme of today.

Its still cold in here, like I remember.

I should clean my room.

I should do a lot of things.

There is a huge spider on the window.

It's a cold day down here in hell, and its a long way up there to heaven...

but its okay, 'cause we're singing with the angels.

My unofficial Detroit birthday celebration begins this evening. Its mostly drinking and some dancing in a pretty dress.

...and I'm nervous. No idea as to why, but I'm wake up while its still dark out and fruitlessly attempt to sleep some more nervous.

Lord only knows why, but I have an idea.

I think its because I'm paranoid, but really all of this is my own doing. Matt's going to be in town, so of course he's coming out. I invited Heather (his ex that I'm friends with) and her bf too. Its been like 3, maybe 4 years since they've seen each other, and they promised to play nice, but in the back of my head, my low self esteem voice is all loud and obnoxious. She (only a girl could be this irrational and mean, so of course this voice is female) brings up the hypothetical scenario of what if he sees her and falls in love with her all over again? And then let's multiply this feeling of dread by self loathing and overall fatness for cheating on my diet yesterday, and I guess I figured out why I couldn't sleep.

Holy run ons batman.

I also had cramps this morning, and I hope they are PMS cramps and not bleeding from the crotch in the next 48 hours cramps.

but in other news, I have music obsessions. My latest audio loves:

1. "Lovegame" - Lady Gaga
2. "Paparazzi" - Lady Gaga
3. "Carby" - Discovery (f/ Ezra Konig from Vampire Weekend)
4. "If U Seek Amy" - Britney Spears
5. "I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman" - K-OS
6. "Many Moons" - Janelle Monae
7. "You're a jerk" - New Boyz
8. "Its OK, But Just This Once" - Gym Class Heroes
9. "Harder Better Faster Stonger (Neptunes Remix)" - Daft Punk
10. "Make Her Say" (aka "I Poke Her Face") - Kid Cudi, Kanye West, Common
11. "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-tune)" - Jay-Z
12. "Seven Nation Army" - Nostalgia 77
13. "Who's That Girl?"/"Qui Est Cette Fille?" - Robyn/Yelle
14. "Great DJ" (Calvin Harris remix) - The Ting Tings
15. "The Resolution" - Jack's Mannequin

Ask me about the kitchen-1990s link.

Maybe its the lack of food that makes me crazy.

in case you missed it because I didn't say it

I have my job at KVCC back. I'm moving back to the 'zoo.

God help us all. Even me.

I didn't die. Nobody died.

Or at least not on my behalf.

I did the drive to Arizona thing. It was mostly fun. Completely ridiculous (in every conceivable definition), and totally educational. I still have pictures to post.

I'm not delivering the details because I wrote them in a notebook, and that's what its all about. It was a giant creative crap, which is to say that I am no longer creatively constipated. Now its more of a matter of eating less creative cheese.

Jesus Christ, that was a disgusting metaphor.

I'm updating from Matt's computer at his apartment. He works today. Nobody's calling me back, so I'm just sitting here until something better comes along or until 8, whichever comes first.

Sean Connery is Shatnering "In My Life" by The Beatles. I am loving it.

It took me 40ish minutes to condition my hair. Part of me is excited the perm is growing out exponentially, but part of me shakes my fist at it.

My self esteem is on a roller coaster. Yesterday's caloric intake: ~5 (+/- 2 error) cigarettes, california roll, a glass of vodka cranberry, 2 crab rangoons, ~10 cheez-its. Today, as of 2:01 pm CDT: 1 cigarette, 2 pieces of orbit gum. I see what the anorexics have going. its an effective program. This entire week has has been an exercise in calorie removal or reduction. It's been at least three days since i had any proper bread.

Its not so bad being crazy. My notions are not entirely misguided.

Saw The Wackness. Most of it anyway. I love it.

I think that's all I'm capable of for now.

Altering my brain chemisrtry with miracle whip and cayenne pepper

I'm helping Theresa drive to Arizona. The flights are booked. The notes will be booked. I get to see Adam in NC, and i get to freak all my Arkansas family out with my tat and piercings. Maybe I will find some 2 gauges for my ears before I go, or while on the road. Photos will be taken, notes will committed to paper.

Laundry part one is done. Packing needs to happen. I even cleaned out my car, ditching the last evidence of tobacco use. I found an empty booze container, which would have gone swimmingly if discovered while I was gone. Or if I was pulled over. Containers have been appropriately disposed of.

Still not preggo. High five!

Finished a book without pictures on every page! Now its back to those.

Things that will be read before my birthday:

1. Ultimate Zombie Survival Handbook - Max Brooks
2. V For Vendetta
3. Anything else I have on loan from Matt.
4. The Girl With Curious Hair - David Foster Wallace (to be purchased/borrowed from the library)

I'm extending my US tour. Originally, the final gig was July 29 (30), as I return to Detroit. July 31 I'm taking off for Chicago, then Kalamazoo. I return August 4. After that, I will have to learn to cool my jets. But that's the problem with wanderlust: the more you feed it, the more it grows.

When I want to creep myself out, I think about the fact that I've been with Matt for 8 months. EIGHT. That's almost a baby. That's 1.3333333333333333 seasons shy of a year. When the big 1-2 rolls around, you might find me passed out on the couch.

I've got to get out of here. I'm going to ask for my old job back and see if I can pick up another part time. This living at home shit is not working. I'm getting fat (from not walking anywhere), bored (from having a grand total of 3 friends in the area)and depressed (from living at home and the previously discussed reasons) all the time. I'm too far from most of the things that mean anything to me. I'll try applying for grants and grad school, because I want to be as unemployable as possible.

I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told...

I may have two side view mirror by the time August rolls around. Hells yes.

Commands to a Whore Headed West.

In other words, westward ho!

*silence*

Thank you, thank you, don't forget to tip your waitress.

I've been trying to write, but I feel mentally constipated. The fact that its summer and I would much rather drive, and drink and eat and be merry and read and play with friends, lovers, and fire doesn't help anything.

I am still jobless, but I have resolved to head back west, a couple hours at a time. I am the last rat on the sinking ship known as the Detroit Job Market. Abandon ship!I can swim. Its already July, and I am seriously considering asking for my old job back. I can move back in with Jill, I'm pretty sure and that will keep me safe until December, if not beyond. I can work at KVCC and find a drinking job. Then onward to Chicago, which will become Austin.

I'm pretty bad at math, but 2.5 is less than 5. And 0 is less than the two of them put together. I don't like being far from friends. And boyfriends. And porches that are good for drinking.

Sometimes I worry that boyfriend drinks too much.

Sometimes I worry that I'm a horrible person.

I love my boyfriend's family.

I've been waiting for this moment all my life, but its not quite right

Last night I had a dream. What I remember now is fuzzy. I remember the main ideas though. Okay, main idea. I'm standing at the corner closest to my house, with my mom. My mom is talking to the neighbors while I scream at people who don't stop at stop signs. Like full blown Tourette's yelling, screaming, swears. I made up a few good ones, but I can't remember them now. My voice was getting all hoarse and chipmunky and a few people laughed, including a douchebag who did up and down finger point gun as he drove away. Don't ask me how he did it. I yelled some more, and my mom got mad at me for saying "goddamn".

At the moment I'm listening to Shawn Mullins sing "Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go)".

Matt keeps lending me books faster than I can read them. No, really. My queue:

Sin in the Second City - Karen Abbott
The Zombie Survival Guide - Max Brooks
V For Vendetta - Alan Moore/David Lloyd
book that I can't remember the title or author. I think its a memoir.
books #2 and 3 in the Fables Series by Bill Willingham

I also am re-reading Jpod by Douglas Coupland.

Had a job and then I quit. Might take a gig in Ann Arbor with clean water people.

Maybe it was the kind of day the last couple days had been, but I came to the realization that I hate the suburbs, and most of the people that they produce. This is a sweeping generalization. A lot of my favorite people are from these obnoxious sprawling lands. Or maybe its just Detroit's suburbs that bother me. In particular, the eastern ones. Everything's so far apart. Everyone just looks stupid. I just found the whole area obnoxious with its dog-friendly stores, orange skin, and teenagers listening to country. I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, driving all over the landscape covered in bright, pale gray clouds. Maybe it was the friend. She was rubbing me the wrong way yesterday. Maybe it was the fact that I spent most of my time in the north or west parts of town: Royal Oak/Ferndale, Farmington (Hills), Novi, Southfield. Maybe its because I have devoted most of my legal adult life in pursuit of the west. Maybe its because I still pursue the west.

I need an oil change.

plea from a cat named capitalism

I got a job. That's a lie. I got a place to go to for 8 hours a day with no windows (except in the bathroom), where I sit and wait for people to call. In the meantime I have a phone book where I dial a lot of "wrong numbers" or disconnected ones. I was always aware of the economic situation in Michigan, but it didn't hit me until I found out firsthand how many businesses have gone belly up since the publication of the yellow pages in feb 2009.

What I do: sales for a fledgling internet radio station. Strictly commission. Strictly suckage. I can't even close my eyes and pretend its an internship.

I mentally quit yesterday. I'm pretty sure I'm physically quitting today. I need more return on my investment. They're in Ferndale, right next to the WAB (Woodward avenue Brewery). I should have known better. I have to fight the urge to get drunk at lunch on a daily basis. I have to pay $4.25 a day in quarters for parking. I am 8 soon to be 12 dollars in the hole. $12 is close to 3/4 of a tank of gas for me (thank you very much Saturn). I could have gone to Kalamazoo on what I paid to sit still. I need more security than that. I guess its back to the mall. And Monster. And Craigslist. And standing by traffic lights by the expressway with my sign that says in glitter: will work for money.

When I write it all out like that, it seems like a no brainer that i should quit.

Maybe I can get my mom to sponsor my next reading excursion after I finish these 4 other books I've got going right now, courtesy of Le Boyfriend. I have an overwhelming urge to read Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney

Will the Postal Service ever put out a new CD?

fml.

Doing a little D.A.N.C.E.

Still not preggo. I was scared for a minute because I was closing in on 3 months with no word from uterus-land. One month was stress and the other was...who knows weight loss/gain from the smoking and the quitting, maybe? I should just get on the pill and save myself from this monthly anguish, but something's stopping me. Sheer laziness, probably.

I'm not too lazy to make a compilation of summer jams though.

1. "I Got You Dancing" - Lady Sovereign
2. " D.A.N.C.E." - Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
3. "Cappuccino" - The Knux
4. "Day N Nite" - Kid Cudi
5. "Sex On Fire" - Kings of Leon
6. "If I Ever Feel Better" - Phoenix
7. "Come On and Get It (Up in Dem Guts)" - Zach Galifinakis f/ Fiona Apple
8. "Bitches Ain't Shit" - Ben Folds
9. "American Boy" - Estelle
10. "D.A.N.C.E." - Justice
11. "Fame < Infamy" - Fall Out Boy
12. "Why Must You Always Dress in Black" - Ben harper and Relentless 7
13. "Show Me Love" - Robyn
14. "Bang on A Milli" - Team 9
15. "Summer Never Ends"- Har Mar Superstar and Northern State
16. "If U Seek Amy" - Britney Spears

that's enough to get us started, yes?

This is going to be a brilliant summer. I can feel it.