I'll look into actual communication with Tony once I reach letter five. I've written three in the last month, and with every line I write, I decide anything is better than staying in my head. I'm no longer hurting, but a part of me can't let go. A part of me refuses to believe that this is the way things are going to end between us. Isn't that the most disgusting cliche you've ever heard me spew? I DON'T SPEW CLICHES. The part that won't let go is small enough that I can forget that I feel this way for most of the day, but strong enough to make me think that he is potentially my soulmate. Clerks II didn't help either.
Maybe if I say it here, I can go back to being in denial about it: I love him. It scares me how much I need him, to think about him. But on the other hand, the more times I admit it, the more I indulge in the following process:
1. I admit to still having strong feelings for him, for all sakes and purposes, love him.
2. I then proceed to attempt to get the thought out of my head as fast as possible. Usually this involves convincing myself that I have herpes and/or may be infertile. This may or may not be true.
3. Repeat stage one.
4. Proceed to tell myself that the more I admit to what may or may not be my true feelings, the more my brain will believe it. (It's science: I'm not 100% sure on the spesifics, but the more you do something, the less likely you are to forget it...synapses firing and all that.)
5. Proceed to facilitate the forgetting/distracting process by reading and on occasion masturbating.
6. Sleep.
Usually this takes place in between crawling into bed and going to sleep. It takes about an hour, maybe two if I write, less if I'm too tired to pine.
I keep thinking that all it takes is for me to fess up to feeling something. But...what if it doesn't?
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
12345 you owe me a coke!
The weekend that I was working for:
Friday was class. I have class on friday night. I am more than okay with that. It seems countertheoretical to the subject matter (History of Rock and Roll) but I get out at 9 which is just in time to make the party. My teacher is a bit of a soccer mom and she mostly knows her shit. Emphasis on mostly. The cute boy quota for a friday night class is suprisingly high. People seem cool. I was going to see Volver after class, but parking was mad crazy lame so I ended up driving around and kind of getting almost lost. I was like yeah whatever.
Saturday was the utter horror known as the Auto Show. It's always a big deal and I never understood why. I'd never been. So I went to meet up with Katy + her bf. Traffic on the expressway wasn't bad at all (especially for a friday night), but the local traffic was a BEAST and a HALF. It might have helped if I hadn't missed my turn and people from Ohio knew how to drive. And whose genius idea was it to schedule a hockey game on the same night the Auto Show opens to the public??! Oh big flaming piles of DEATH on them. It took me four times longer than I should have to get back to the expressway when I was leaving. But okay back to the actual auto show. I didn't take the camera or any pictures. I can only look at cars for so long before they all start to look the same...all shiny and shit. The sports cars all look like tic tacs and my head still hurts from all the terrible electronic music (save the Mini cooper area.). It's like they want you to forget where you actually are and that by some odd twist of magical fate you have landed in a commercial (hence the bright lights and "hot chicks"). Some boys were okay looking. I got kind of depressed when Katy's other friends (an engaged couple) showed up and I became the fifth wheel. That will also make a room full of shiny objects boring. I expected at least a bar so I can at least be hammered in a room of shiny objects. But, no such luck on the bar. I was going to go out to eat after but the local traffic as I stated before, was lame so I just went home.
Sunday (today): There is real food in the house again. Yay.
I'm lonely but I ain't that lonely yet. I'm getting there though.
Been writing a lot lately, some really terrible poetry but I'll be letting you be the judge of that later. I've been having dreams lately. Two are too embarassing to repost here but one was the guy from that Dirty Jobs show on the discovery channel. That's how I know I've reached hardcore geek status.
And...oh, I changed my plugs. 10s are in my ears now. I'm excited to pick up some 8s and 6s. The scabs fell off my tattoo and it itches way less. I always like modifying when things end.
I love tv on the internet. (I smell indie rock cover band!)
Friday was class. I have class on friday night. I am more than okay with that. It seems countertheoretical to the subject matter (History of Rock and Roll) but I get out at 9 which is just in time to make the party. My teacher is a bit of a soccer mom and she mostly knows her shit. Emphasis on mostly. The cute boy quota for a friday night class is suprisingly high. People seem cool. I was going to see Volver after class, but parking was mad crazy lame so I ended up driving around and kind of getting almost lost. I was like yeah whatever.
Saturday was the utter horror known as the Auto Show. It's always a big deal and I never understood why. I'd never been. So I went to meet up with Katy + her bf. Traffic on the expressway wasn't bad at all (especially for a friday night), but the local traffic was a BEAST and a HALF. It might have helped if I hadn't missed my turn and people from Ohio knew how to drive. And whose genius idea was it to schedule a hockey game on the same night the Auto Show opens to the public??! Oh big flaming piles of DEATH on them. It took me four times longer than I should have to get back to the expressway when I was leaving. But okay back to the actual auto show. I didn't take the camera or any pictures. I can only look at cars for so long before they all start to look the same...all shiny and shit. The sports cars all look like tic tacs and my head still hurts from all the terrible electronic music (save the Mini cooper area.). It's like they want you to forget where you actually are and that by some odd twist of magical fate you have landed in a commercial (hence the bright lights and "hot chicks"). Some boys were okay looking. I got kind of depressed when Katy's other friends (an engaged couple) showed up and I became the fifth wheel. That will also make a room full of shiny objects boring. I expected at least a bar so I can at least be hammered in a room of shiny objects. But, no such luck on the bar. I was going to go out to eat after but the local traffic as I stated before, was lame so I just went home.
Sunday (today): There is real food in the house again. Yay.
I'm lonely but I ain't that lonely yet. I'm getting there though.
Been writing a lot lately, some really terrible poetry but I'll be letting you be the judge of that later. I've been having dreams lately. Two are too embarassing to repost here but one was the guy from that Dirty Jobs show on the discovery channel. That's how I know I've reached hardcore geek status.
And...oh, I changed my plugs. 10s are in my ears now. I'm excited to pick up some 8s and 6s. The scabs fell off my tattoo and it itches way less. I always like modifying when things end.
I love tv on the internet. (I smell indie rock cover band!)
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