In Which I Get A Little Hyper And Secretly Wish I Could Listen To Butthole Surfers

I had a dream last night. A common occurrence with myself and millions of other people and life forms.

This is what happened in my head:

I am in Grand Rapids for some giant DEMF meets Lolla meets SXSW meets Bonnaroo type of music festival. Sweaty, smelly, hairy people as far as the eye can see. People and blankets and tents everywhere. I'm stumbling through with my friends (nobody specific, just a general sense of camaraderie (apparently that's the correct spelling)). I stop by a merch booth/table/tent to look over the goods. I remember specifically a t-shirt that had some illustration from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss. It was yellow with bright green sleeves. This little kid is there looking at the shirts too. He takes one look at the Dr. Seuss shirt and screams "ITS TOO BRIGHT!" (possibly prefaced with an "I told you", I can't honestly remember) and takes off running. In the first couple steps he takes he morphs into a greyish lop-eared rabbit (I don't witness the transformation). The guys at the table are chasing him in circles around the table/general area. I join in. We manage to corner him. I magically acquire a blanket, which I use to disorient the bunny and pick him up. He starts wiggling and squirming and I eventually get bitten and lose my grip. Bunny boy takes off through the crowd, and I after him. I chase him to the back of the festival area which ends up being a big university. I've lost him, but I go in the university anyway.

Its all a blur after that.

I told twitter that I have dreams where I chase rabbits, but they're not white and they don't lead to underland/wonderland.

File Under F, for Fucking Daddy Issues (let's be honest here though, if I had a file, I think F would be the biggest one. Everything's fucking this and fucking that):

This would best go in list form. I'm officially good and cranked and full of ADD right now.

a. my (half) brother called my mom on sunday. It seems he wants to get a hold of me. No big thang. We speak every few years.
b. I'm an aunt, it would seem. To a little biracial girl, I think. (I am certain on the biracial part, but not so much on the girl part. I secretly find this a little thrilling because chances are very high that I am going to end up with biracial kids myself.)
c. apparently, I also have a father? Apparently he's been trying to get in touch with us. I am not sure why. My interest in speaking with him is purely selfish and scientific. I just want to know genetics: heritage, diseases , etc.

that's all.

Fuuuuck that, I'm flexin.

The weather's gorgeous. and it promises to be nearly eighty tomorrow. I just might shave my legs for that shit.

Started watching Gossip Girl, reading Nerve, Jezebel and Gawker, and incessantly listening to Lady Gaga. Please don't judge. It's not so bad being trendy, everyone who looks like me is my friend. Please don't hate me because I'm trendy.

In Which I Identify With Amy Winehouse A Litlle too Much.

I have been Listening to Frank all Day. There were brief interludes from The Beatles and Ebony Bones but, for the most part I cannot stop listening to Amy's jazzy tones. I really do wish the best for her a voice like that should not go to waste *meaningful glance thrown in Whitney Houston's direction*.

I think I'm in the midst of my first fight. I can't tell. Damn text messages. Damn fluctuating hormones. Its a stupid nothing fight too (if it is one). I just made a wiseass little comment about how he couldn't bother to text me back last night when he finally texted me this morning. (Something about him having NOT fallen down a well.) He asked what I meant. I told him. Two hours ago. No response. So we'll see. I'll probably crack first, but it felt good to let my aggression out, regardless of how passively it happened.

In other news, I have to peeeee and I can't leave the lab right now.

Damn periods (even if I am thankful for the peace of mind they bring).

In Which I Deliver A Partial Manifesto.

Attempting To Reconcile (Vs.)

I'm mostly a good girl. I drink, I smoke, I swear, I fuck. I help when I can. Sometimes there are moods where I can't help who I hurt. Sometimes I just don't care. I believe in God and I like to think that God believes in me. I like to think that God laughs openly and often at the ways people try to reach him. I think that the things people do for God more often than not make him sad. it probably balances out. I think that somewhere between what we want to do and what people say God says is what we should do. I don't believe in sex without love. The end should justify the means. I don't know if I believe in Satan or a devil, but I do believe in evil. I don't believe in being evil, but I do believe that it is unavoidable and at times necessary. I believe in exploration. I believe that God and science can coexist.The existence of one does not negate the other. I believe in peace, but I am all too aware that people can't leave things alone. I believe that medium coffees at Dunkin Donuts are friggin gigantic. I believe in magic. I believe in talent. I believe in trying to find a balance. I believe that failure can be an option. I believe in a thing called love.I believe that God is not offended by it. The key to a satisfying existence is chaotic structure. I believe addiction is a basic, primal force. I believe in reincarnation. I also believe in making the most of the life you can remember. I believe in exercising ability to an extent.

I am a firm believer in juxtaposition and contradiction. It's all about contradiction, i am proof. I believe in proof. I believe that pop music tells the truth more often than people care to admit. I believe in playing hooky. I believe in anaphora and alliteration. I believe in all forms of evolution. I believe in experts, but not necessarily answers. I believe in excitement. I believe in abstract definitions of art. Let the record show htat i also believe in bullshit. I believe that everything's a little bit funny. I believe in benign abuses. The only malicious abuses I do believe in are the abuses of self and I know all too well those can easily be taken too far. I believe we are all crazy. I believe the best way to negate this is to acknowledge it, but not too much, Hamlet. I believe in the power of shutting the fuck up sometimes. I believe in the failure of words, but not as much as I believe in their power. I believe in language. I believe that the only way to understand boundaries is experimental excess. I believe in grabbing 'em in the biscuits. I believe in unfinished stories.

In Which I Possess The Ability to Talk Myself Off of Bridges

More dispatches from the west coast. Sometimes I remind myself of "Alicia Amnesia".

I have gone from crazy to fine back to crazy back to fine. Talking it out helps with little or no outside input.

I feel good.

There's no sense in telling me the wisdom of a fool won't set you free.

I can make this work.

I just had the most questionable lunch of my entire life. Pizza, already a day or two old, placed in a ziplock bag and aged for another three days unrefrigerated. I heated it to high hell, so I think I'll be okay.

Can anybody tell me why I'm so fearful? I'm afraid of myself and the consequences that my actions may or may not bring about, to a degree. I'm not afraid of vice- related consequences. I think the real fear comes in when we bring that pesky l-word into the picture and all that it entails. I think I'm so busy trying to be perfect, that I think I'm putting my own needs, wants, and sanity as the least of priorities. My ultimate nightmare, in addition to being lost and alone in pitch darkness, is being told "you aren't enough. You're not good enough".

Another problem I have is that I can't stay mad. I want to, but all that ends up happening is I get over it. While most people extol (side note, I had no idea this was the proper spelling) this personality trait as a virtue, sometimes I think its important to get angry and to hold on to that anger, at least for a little bit. I think this is partly due to the fact that I see my significant other so rarely, that by the time I get around to seeing him, my anger (or at least whatever negative emotion that I'm producing) has fizzled. And nine times out of ten, its about something that has no foreseeable, logical conclusion.

But staying positive is the only way I can reinforce anything that keeps me happy. Its the only way I can hear that faint whisper of "You are worth it. You are amazing. You deserve whatever happiness you can get. You deserve to be loved."

I have decided that instead of one raven tattoo, I want two, just under each armpit. The inspiration comes after doing some research, mostly on wikipedia:

"In Norse mythology, the Ravens Hugin and Munin sit on the god Odin's shoulders and bring to his ears all the news they see and hear; their names are Thought and Memory. Odin sends them out with each dawn to fly over the world, so he can learn everything that happens."

I like that. I like that a lot. Even though I have no Norse heritage that I know of, the sentiment is just lovely.

These ideas keep me from thinking so much, because yes, I have started thinking again.

"Till I scarcely more than muttered, 'Other friends have flown before —
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.'"

Yes, I read "The Raven" today. Yes, it bummed me out. Yes I'm still bumming, but I forget why exactly.

Is that a good thing?

I'm getting all kinds of futuristic panic attacks. It falls in line with the quarter life crisis sequel (trilogy? saga?). I think its mostly because I think i secretly like worrying. I like freaking out. I want to bring this all up with Matt, but its not the kind of stuff you can say in text or even a phone call. Unfortunately, my next plans for seeing him won't be until April. I'm hoping he'll come home with his roommate for Easter, and I'll get to see and talk to him then. If he doesn't come back for Easter, the next time I'll probably be able to see him is mid April, like the weekend of the 16. And that's a whole month away. That's a mighty long time.

Loans are starting to not sound like such a horrible suicide. They'd allow me to live happily and comfortably and I wouldn't have to worry outright about moving and finding a job.

I need to start planning grad school visits. That's what summer is for.

My top five:

- Columbia College
- Northwestern
- University of Texas at Austin
- University of Gerogia - Athens
- Bowling Green

Road trip, anyone?

All the things I want to do today:

- catch a cup of coffee
- smoke a cigarette
- catch a drink
- some writing

(if we're really being honest here, in addition to the above)

- get laid
- see my old friends
- chain smoke

Things that might or probably will get done today:

- catch a cup of coffee
- smoke a cigarette
- catch a drink
- some writing
- get laid

Chain smoking bad.

But its settled. At the very least I can grab a cup of coffee (seeing as there's both a Dunkin Donuts and a Starbucks within a half mile of here (Matt's apt)) and come back and do my nails and read and be just kind of domestic.

I was also thinking of cooking one of these nights. I want some fucking spaghetti. With ground turkey. And maybe a bottle of okay-tasting red wine.

What I just said stays between the two of us. Okay, world?

In Which I Wax Nostalgic For The Unremembered Eighties.

I have seven minutes left at work and I am type type typing to pass the time and i can actively hope that I have to not deal with any more stupidity today.

I hope it doesn't rain (on me).

Yes, this is spring break. The temperatures have been spring-like, even if the weather hasn't.

And I get to see Matt tomorrow. I couldn't be more excited. It's been a month. A month!

Life is okay. I need to do a lot in the next 24 hours. Its okay, I have the rest of the week off.

I want a cigarette, but I have not had a right proper fag in quite some time and I have not had a drink in about two weeks.

That's getting obliterated this weekend.

In Which I Return To Where My Words Only Define Me.

This ain't a scene, its an arms race.

I love mornings where I can see the sun. I love "Stillness Is The Move" (the Solange version), mostly because it is a cover of a Dirty Projectors song. I love cover crossovers like that. I love The Mike Simonetti remix of "Million Dollar Bill" by Whitney Houston.

Dear Kanye, your talent negates your egotistical twattery.

I still hear whispers of crazy in my head. I know I have no reason to, and the position my brain is in just screams of codependent girlfriend. But its still there. I just don't want to look like a chump, you know? Yeah, I said chump. I just don't trust this girl. I really don't. And there's nothing I can do. I don't want to tell my twenty-five year old long distance boyfriend who he can and can't hang out with. And even if I did, 1. that's really shitty, it would just lead to resentment and possible lashing/acting out on both our parts and 2. there would be no way to "enforce" said restriction. But She's moving to LA in August, so that about four more months in my nuthouse. Cashew?

He says he's immune to jealousy (not his exact words, but its definitely implied).I take him at his word, which just makes me feel worse.

I have no idea what to do without looking certifiably criminally insane. I'm not sure why it matters how I look. Maybe its the fact that I watch entirely too much TV.

I also think this is the root to my overall dissatisfaction with my appearance. I can never look good enough and I keep comparing myself to everyone else around me (and even those not around me). I am not thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, tall enough... the list goes on. I've been out several times in the last seven days, and each time I get angrier and angrier that I can't look good. So I feel the need to be increasingly more obnoxious and crazy to compensate. Which makes me think that everyone hates me anyway.

This isn't store brand crazy. This is designer crazy.

people don't dance no more.

Don't wanna be your monkey wrench.

I'll pull an OK Go and get over it. Eventually.

I'll take my pills and say its for the best.

A break from the "In Which I"s....

So as part of a work-type thing, we had to take this quiz to "discover our strengths" (mmmmm, taste the synergy....). They pick your top five, and explain what they mean by the words that that chose to describe you. These are my results.

Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.


Strategic

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.


Intellection

You like to think. You like mental activity. You like exercising the “muscles” of your brain, stretching them in multiple directions. This need for mental activity may be focused; for example, you may be trying to solve a problem or develop an idea or understand another person’s feelings. The exact focus will depend on your other strengths. On the other hand, this mental activity may very well lack focus. The theme of Intellection does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think. You are the kind of person who enjoys your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflection. You are introspective. In a sense you are your own best companion, as you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives. Or this introspection may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. Wherever it leads you, this mental hum is one of the constants of your life.


Empathy

You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.


Adaptability

You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

I find these things to be somewhat accurate. Next up: actual thoughts on my brand of crazy.