Things I am not saying out loud. (you're a slave to yourself and you don't even know)

watch out kids, this could get ugly. The less I see the sun, the more I retreat into myself.

1. I could like Matt again, even though he devastated me the first time we broke up. I generally don't like to repeat dating mistakes, but the more I talk to him, the more I miss him, dammit.
2. I feel like everyone is constantly looking down on me.
3. (Personal pronoun abuse aside,) I feel like with the variety of relationship opportunities that I have had, the only constant is me, which leads to the conclusion that the problem isn't with "them" it's with me.
3a. but what's the problem? Is my personality that terrible? Am I that overweight? Is my fashion sense that askew? Am I that shitty of a person? Am I that smart? Am I that dumb?
4. I was pissy at dinner last night and nobody noticed. We had constructed a plan earlier for me to get fake pissy at dinner, but as the night wore on, I became real pissy. So that one really is my fault, because out of the four other people I was eating with, two were in on it, and one caught on right away. But that doesn't count because a) she was eventually let in on the plan, and b) she's a girl.
4a. I am the type of person to say everything's fine, especially when it's not, and then get depressed when everybody assumes that everything's fine. Ridiculous, I know.
5. I am so jealous of Jill. Everybody loves her and falls all over themselves to be with her and be in her good graces. Everybody likes her so much better and I can't stand it. Well, let me clarify: I can stand it, it just depresses the hell out of me. And I think that is where some of what #2 comes from. Like people only put up with me because I am Jill's roommate.

I told you this was ugly.

This trail mix is disgusting, and now is a good a time as any to do my homework.

Religious views: Devout Playlistism

I thought I was quitting boys. I fell off the wagon twice this summer, and once after school started.

because we count instances, not boys.

I think I am going to quit them again. The entirety of the summer involved my pursuit of a boy named Keith. He's 23, from a small town towards the middle of the state, graduated and now a flight instructor. He gets paid to fly planes. Pretty conservative, and pretty into his faith (Catholic). Of course I had to go and fall for him. Because opposites attract, right? We will call this Mayish, maybe early June. Fast forward to um, September. I have made a bad decision with two boys out in the sticks of Michigan (not as scandalous as it sounds), fallen prey to the syndrome that only affects single girls at weddings, and made out with my neighbor from across the hall (which is a lot of drama all by itself). Word got to Keith that I liked him. Nothing happened. Word got to me that Keith liked me. More nothing, even though the record is till fuzzy as to if he knows that I know.

I don't make the first move.

Fast forward to October. Nothing's changed. Except me. I got bored. To be honest, I think he did too. The thing I will always hate about nice guys (forever and ever amen) is I can't tell when they're flirting and when they are just being themselves. I think he's moved on to my roommate. I can't tell because 1. this kid is habitually nice. All the time. and 2. Every time I project and think that a guy likes her, it turns out to be untrue. Sometimes.

Maybe it is just me.

It's always just me.

I think that's enough navel gazing for one morning.

now playing: " Early Morning" - Britney Spears